“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.