Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
For anyone who needs this today
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff