Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Siri: Retweet me.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
But that’s none of my business
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.