I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
going to the ER y’all need anything
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”