My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Rt to bother an English speaker
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.