Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
who did the taste test?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.