There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
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When can I start eating bats again.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Mouse