ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
🤣🤣🤣
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Erm I’m gonna say no
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.