Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
no such thing as a dumb question
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”