My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
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Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce