“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
That’s it.I’m out.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine