i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.