*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
You deplete me
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!