5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Happy thanksgiving!
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …