Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.