Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
You Might Also Like
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!