The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I鈥檓 feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
At 11am my neighbour told me she鈥檇 been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I鈥檇 have to call the police
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I can鈥檛 believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it鈥檚 the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
馃幎 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 馃幎
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
That was easy.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I鈥檓 starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I鈥檓 sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun