i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
New tinder profile pic
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
dogs can find happiness so easily
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”