What number SPF blocks people?
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.