Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?