I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?