Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it