imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.