henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
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My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Breaking news:
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
When libraries troll their patrons.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single