What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.