Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
You Might Also Like
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.