Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*