What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
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I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
No way!
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me