Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
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feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Never forget.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.