One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
PLOT TWIST:
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.