Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.