“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?