Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim