My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
what the
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way