the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
beware of dog
(jukin media)
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”