Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.