moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
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{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
The funk soul brother
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Sign of the day..
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.