This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
That’s enough internet for the day
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.