Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now