Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
But wait…
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF