Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
mechanics be like
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.