Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?