the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Best seat on the street 😍
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!