Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
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Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia