Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
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hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Time heals everything 🙂
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”