got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My new favorite headline
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.