If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.