me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
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Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.