My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
The glockness monster
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.