Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Good morning y’all ☀️
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.